


small hands

by nycthemeron



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Memories, No Beta, No Dialogue, Regret, Sad Ending, Short One Shot, Tsukishima Kei Needs a Hug, Vague, We Die Like Men, babie is sad, if youre looking for heartache here it is, lapslock, sorry lads but as the queen of angst i must uphold my reputation, tsukki and yama are tragic lovers, when i said vague i meant it lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22345162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nycthemeron/pseuds/nycthemeron
Summary: tsukishima hopes that he found happiness, wherever he is. he hopes that yamaguchi has forgotten him.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	small hands

**Author's Note:**

> !!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!
> 
> if you are sensitive to topics of suicide and negative thinking, be wary. this may be vague but the negativity isnt.

memories proceeding misery forgo him. how cruel is that? to live a life with no recollection of happy childhoods and sunny days. on top of dreadful existence and being detached from everyone around him, his parasite of a brain steals good memories. people say to him that everyone is meant to be happy, but he never has been. 

well, there was yamaguchi. tsukishima swears he could write thousands of metaphors to describe how wonderful he thought he was. a warm sun behind gray clouds he would put there himself, the moments hesitation of a cat before it decides to let you pet it, a spear through a brick wall in the most pivotal of moments--yamaguchi was all these things and more. 

maybe he had misunderstood how he was supposed to be living. maybe he had spent his whole life so far as a prelude to when he would finally be happy that he forgot to recognize when he already was. because tsukishima was happy with him.

he misses him dearly, regrets not fighting to keep him more. he misses the space between his eyelids, where tsukishima would stare through awkward sentences and silences alike, can still see it in the recesses of his head. he misses the sound of his teeth chattering in the cold of winter because he never wore enough layers. he longs for the soft whisper of his on summer nights in the garden because sleep avoided them. he wishes he could see dazzled eyes in autumn watching the wind pick up fallen leaves again, wishes he could tease him once more for tripping over tree roots in spring. tsukishima misses the rare times they held hands in moments of fear and insecurity, how yamagichis hands remained soft, no callouses to be found despite how hard we worked to create a killer serve. most of all, he misses talking to him--he was always more profound than tsukishima gave him credit for, and often wondered how he ended up side by side with someone with an outlook so beautiful.

tsukishima hopes that he found happiness, wherever he is. he hopes that yamaguchi has forgotten him. 

because as much as wishes he could go back to waking up next to him, getting to see him so peaceful and rest--that view is not one that he earned. he would describe it as yawning while standing on the edge of a cliff despite a good nights rest.

yamaguchi is right in what he said when he left. tsukishima was always so distracted by things that never really mattered, he really never thought about much besides his studies and volleyball. he is a weak man, and so he is cold and self-involved, insecurity and self-limitation blinding him to happiness at arms reach. now he writes his loneliness in poems and journal entries in a notebook he carries with him. although, most the pages are empty outside of a date, because he can never really think of how to start. 

his inconsistency and flakiness is evident in the dotting of his i's and crossings of his t's. he will close his eyes to hide them, make sure no one can read his journal entries that were never written down. although he wants to live up to his own values, he is idle, because despite all his intelligence, he cannot think of think of anyone but himself. it frustrates him, because he wants to change but does not know how. he feels cornered.

it is not that he so distraught because yamaguchi left him, though it did hurt, but it triggered an influx of emotions he thought he had a handle on. 

the wind blows under the bridge and up to pull his feet and ruffle his hair. his hands feel cold planted next to him on the cement of the wall as he peers into the morning sunrise for an answer, some guidance, anything. 

if the sun is unable to warm his bones, well, tsukishima is sure that the waters below would make welcoming accommodations for frozen ones. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic in this fandom!! i recently rewatched the anime and wanted to write so i decided the archive could use some more angst.
> 
> thank you for reading!! let me know what you think!! <3


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